No one remembers what they say when they’re high. Even when they can, their meanderings don’t have the same spontaneity and gravitas that lead to wisdom or a “higher” understanding. More often than not the outright comedic timing and authenticity is lost in the translation between sober and stoned immaculate.

Lucky for you (and us), author Morton Carter saw himself fit for the task of documenting the earth-shattering epiphanies, nuggets of truth and wisdom, incriminating revelations, riotously funny stories, and sharp-witted quips that hang hilarious amid the plumes of smoke in the room like these priceless pieces of stoner gold:

• “You have friends in high places. I just have high friends.”
• “Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?”
• “Make me unweird.”
• “Violence is never the answer, man. Unless the question is, ‘What is never the answer?’”
• “You know what would make a great book, man? The history of tits.”
• “There’s no fake monkey teeth. I looked that up, too.”
• “No matter how long you live, you’re dead a lot longer.”

In the same spirit as Things Drunk People Say, the stumbling, intriguing, nonsensical but hilarious words are brought to life with creative, original art and published for the world to see (don’t worry, the quotations are listed anonymously). These words are guaranteed to make you laugh—some might even make you cry—but all will make you question why you’re ever sober, when life just seems to make so much more simple sense when you’re stoned. Then again, maybe it makes no sense at all. Stoner or not, kickback and relax, and enjoy this side-splitting collection of “high-minded” genius.

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